If you got to this stage, you might feel like you know everything when it comes to international dating. However, the most important (that is the easiest to get wrong) comes now: respecting personal space.
We are doing a separate article on this as it is so easy to mess up.
What is personal space?
Personal space the amount of space and privacy you need from others to feel comfortable.
It is not just a space in physical sense (like when you are talking to someone and they are too close). It is also in the privacy sense that some people are not comfortable sharing certain information or don’t want to be asked certain information.
Luckily our need for personal space doesn’t change drastically if we go to a neighboring country. However, it does change a lot when you start crossing continents. US – Europe – Asia are very different. You can still experience it within a continent, but to a lot smaller extent – that usually still feels comfortable.
Examples of different needs of personal space
Many individualistic (mainly Western countries) need a lot of personal space. We are told from a young age to:
- mind your business
- boundaries are important
- don’t disturb others
On the contrary, in many Asian countries, personal space is close to non-existent. So let’s look at some examples that would count as disturbing someone’s personal space in many countries with high need for it.
Examples for disturbing physical space:
Examples for disturbing privacy:
We could continue with countless examples, therefore it is important to take these into consideration.
There are other examples which are a bit trickier. For example:
- How old are you?
In Western countries asking (especially) a woman’s age is a no-no. However, in many Asian countries, it is absolutely normal. This is because there is a hierarhical respect in society. People need to know each other’s age as just 1 year age difference could mean that they need to address them differently.
In many Western countries, there is no such hierarchical respect. In some there is, but it is rather between generations and therefore there is no need to ask each other’s age. In fact, it is rude.
Boundaries
If you are American or Australian, you were probably raised that boundaries in relationships are important.
You probably heard many times to:
- set boundaries
- have healthy boundaries
- or having no boundaries is bad
Personal boundaries are the limits you decide on how people can treat you, how they can behave around you, and what they can expect from you.
This is typical in very individualistic countries with a high need for personal space. On the contrary, many countries, who are people oriented don’t have boundaries in relationships or very minimal. Often they don’t even know how to set them.
Therefore the problem when it comes to too much or too little personal space is partially to do with our boundaries. We need to learn to either remove some of these boundaries or set them, depending on cultures.
How to avoid getting into someone’s personal space?
As a rule of thumb, if the country counts as more Western from your own country, then there is a high chance they need more space.
So to ensure you don’t ruin things, try to wait for them to contact you. Especially if you are a woman and your culture is to the East of the man.
Instead of asking questions such as ‘Where are you now’ (that gets into their personal space) say: I will be free after work. Would you like to meet me for … This way you give them time and space to plan and they don’t need to answer you what they are doing (which is their privacy).
Lastly, think if your actions could disturb someone near you. Asking them if it disturbs them is often the safest.
How to be in someone’s personal space?
You might be wondering whether you have read the title correctly. Yes, you did. When you are from a country with a high need for personal space (e.g. USA) and you are dating someone from a low personal space country (often countries to the East of yours), you should try to adjust also. You should learn how to be in their space.
Many Europeans whose country of origin is right in the middle of the ‘need for personal space’ spectrum, often find people from low need countries (eg. Asians) to be in their space and people from high need countries (eg. Americans) to be completely lacking it.
Communicating with people from higher need for personal space cultures (with strong boundaries) is usually more difficult. This is because lower personal space cultures often feel like they are disturbing those with higher needs. This is usually not even a concern when they are talking with those of lower needs (minimal or no boundaries).
So if you are dating someone from a lower need country, reach out to them more than you would normally do in your own country. Do this from the beginning to make them feel comfortable.
Now that we discussed the biggest differences when it comes to international dating, let’s talk about the dates itself. In our next step, we will discuss first date ideas in different dating cultures (as cultural preferences are all so different!)
Have you had any experience getting personal space wrong? Or has someone disturbed your space? Let us know how in the comments below! We would love to read it.