Dating in Korean Culture – Love in the Land of K-Pop (+Korean Dating Apps)
Since Psy went viral with his video “Gangnam Style” in 2012, his song made South Korea’s pop music (K-pop) popular around the world. With many other K-pop bands popping up – stealing hearts, not just with their music, let’s talk about dating in Korean culture. Okay, first things first… if it’s in your ears just like it is in ours, here is Psy’s Gangnam Style video for you:
What do you need to know before dating in Korea?
Chris S. tells us that society is still rather conservative, just like dating in Japanese culture:
“Korea is generally fairly conservative, and so is the usual ‘get married by 30, produce many children’ is still ever present in the older generation. It’s also a very homogeneous society so dating outside your race does not make for happy parents (obviously there are exceptions, but that has been my overall experience)…
The younger generation often thinks differently, but it’s a matter of weighing the immense social pressure to confirm to societal and parental expectations, or to go your own way.
As the country becomes more exposed to other cultures, different ideas of dating and marriage are also catching on, but it has a long way to go before it changes sufficiently to allow women complete freedom to choose their own path to marriage.”
Dating Advice for Foreign Men in Korea
Joe K. tells what it’s like to date a Korean woman:
“First thing is you better be super smart because these girls are very educated. You don’t want to feel like a dummy around them… They want their man to be ambitious and earn good money. They see income as status, and that matters to them.”
Seoyun J. explains why interracial dating is so challenging here:
“Interracial couples (apart from other East Asian) always get stared at a lot by strangers and some mean people think they’re dating only for sex. So she might need to act more conservative than she actually is to avoid society’s judgment. It’s the hardest thing for foreigners. In the first place you should prove that your intentions are serious…”
Dating Advice for Foreign Women in Korea
Quite a few of our contributors expressed that among Korean men there is still a prejudice that Western women are “easy to get”.
Eleonora P. warns about this stereotype:
“Korean girls are ‘too much work’, because they tend to have standards for their partners. So guys try to con naive foreign women into dating them. Dating a foreigner should be no different. Keep your boundaries high and make them wait.”
Gender Roles when dating in Korean Culture
Gender roles are traditional. Men are expected to take the lead in relationships, just like when dating in Chinese culture:
Janny F. explains:
“There is not much chivalry anymore among American men. The feminist movement in the 60s and 70s diminished it, so I can see why western women in South Korea might be attracted to Korean men who demonstrate chivalry.”
The American Dating Scene is definitely very different.
Johnathan B.:
“Korean women want to date leaders. Don’t ever ask her where she wants to go. She doesn’t want to decide. Even though Korea is a developed country it’s still very traditional and patriarchal.“
What is Special about the Dating Etiquette in Korea?
We collected some useful advice to help you prepare for your first date.
Knowledge in Korean culture and language is a Must
If you are looking for a serious relationship, you need to make an effort and learn some basic Korean. It will show your respect and surely will leave a great impression.
…you will also leave a big impression, if you accidentally call them Japanese or Chinese. Don’t make this mistake, it’s extremely rude and ignorant.
Kwan H.
“It’s very important for Koreans (not only in case of dating): don’t greet us in Japanese/ Chinese. We feel insulted. It’s long to explain why, there are some historical reasons.“
Appearance is important
Flip-flops and shorts might be suitable when dating an Australian, but not when dating in Korean culture.
Koreans care about trends. So your hairstyle and fashion should be Korean-trendy if you don’t want to get dumped because of your style.
Matt S. gives advice for guys:
“Korean women will not date a badly dressed man. Your status is everything here. Social hierarchy has it’s strong impact on all aspects of life“
First date and location
Laura Senior Primo explains:
“Unlike in the West, setting up your friend with someone they might like is customary when meeting a potential partner in Korea. And while some of my Korean friends prefer jamanchu (meeting people naturally), most couples I know met through sogaeting, the inmanchu (meeting people through blind dates) way.”
Having dinner in a restaurant or cafe is the most common choice for a date. However, it’s better to avoid bars and clubs.
Phaedra P. explains the reason why:
“While going for drinks for a first date is normal in other cultures, it’s not in Korea and gives the vibe of a hookup only.”
Who Pays the Bill?
A man usually pays the bill, but a woman can also suggest splitting it. However, do not insist too much, it may insult a Korean man.
Montserrat P. says:
“If you want to pay something, it is ok. Maybe he pays for dinner, you pay for coffee. Most local women are used to paying nothing… “
Language etiquette
Surprisingly, a casual and relaxed way of talking that everyone is used to in Western countries is not ok in Korea on the first date.
Rownyn C. emphasizes:
“If you’re speaking Korean and they want to use 반말 [ ‘informal speech’ – a form that you can just speak to younger people or close friends] right away — red flag!!!! It’s not respectful. They wouldn’t do it to a Korean girl, so they shouldn’t do it to you.”
Physical intimacy
The western-style sexual revolution hasn’t really happened in Korea yet. Attitudes to sex and dating are still fairly conservative by western standards.
Jessica G. shares her experience of dating Korean guys:
“If he touches you on the first date, he’s not taking you seriously. Korean guys who are seriously looking for a relationship will not kiss you let alone try to sleep with you until you are in a relationship. It usually takes about 3 dates for a ‘confession’ from him. A proper first date with a Korean guy who takes you seriously will feel more like a business meeting.”
Romantic Relationships: 5 things to be ready for in Korea
The “Talking / Getting to Know” stage known as “sseom”, is really short.
Laura Senior Primo also explains:
“Another puzzling Korean dating aspect is sseom. It is similar to the West’s “talking stage,” with a few key differences.
For one, sseom only lasts about a month; … While it is custom only to be “talking” to the person you are in a sseom with, after three dates, it is etiquette to start officially being exclusive — what I came to understand as the “3-date-rule.” Ending the sseom, you can get to know each other more closely while in a relationship.”
1) Texting is super important
Many Koreans tend to text and call their boyfriend/girlfriend all the time. They would keep asking where you are, what you are doing. (Even more than if you date a French.)
Steve M. compares it to dating in the USA:
“Texting is such a big deal here…When you text to American girl I would advise you to send only one message and wait until she replies. Don’t ever send multiple texts. When it comes to Korean women if you text all the time she will fall in love with you! It’s a big no-no to kiss in public or any other PDAs, but texting is like a Korean way to express your affection“.
2) Anniversary days
Quite many people care about their anniversary. They remember about 50-days, 100-days, 200-days, 300-days, and 1-year of their relationships. So be ready to memorize all these dates.
3) What is Aegyo?
While being in a relationship with a Korean person you may come across aegyo.
Aegyo is a way to express affection by cute voice, gestures or facial expressions. Many Koreans find it adorable and use it to flirt with a girl or guy they like (yes, man practice it as well!). Also, it could be used to show warm feelings towards family and friends.
보람 하아 describes misunderstandings that she faced in Canada:
“This was a cultural shock when I came to Canada and my new boyfriend thought I’m whining and being childish. I ended up explaining that when the intonation changes it means an expression of endearment and care not being a childish grown woman.”
Who can explain it better than Koreans themselves? Here is a video of using aegyo in practice:
4) Korean couple shirts
Many Koreans love “Couple Items”. It can be T-shirts with cute prints, jewelry, etc.
Kelly K. explains why many people love it:
“What better way to showcase your love and affection for each other than to match from head to toe? My theory is that (unlike the Western ideal of kissing in public) this trend is a way of claiming your significant other and branding him/her as your own.
I’ve seen it all: matching phone cases, socks, shoes, jackets, hats, jeans, etc.”
5) Jeong Culture
Last but not least is the Jeong culture. It is a very wide concept but definitely impacts Korean romantic relationships.
This concept is vague and consists of so many aspects therefore it’s even hard to translate into other languages. It could be defined as ‘attachment’, ‘affection’ or ‘a Korean kind of love’.
John S. explains the roots of the jeong culture:
“One major difference: the Korean people are from a collectivist culture; the white North Americans are from an individualistic culture. Sharing/not sharing is made very clear.“
Therefore, your Korean significant other highly likely would expect a complete loyalty and selflessness with not expecting anything in return. However, don’t be frightened by that, it’s a two-way street. So, if you have some troubles you can expect that your Korean boyfriend/girlfriend will show up to your place without invitation and surround you with immense care and support.
If you have mutual feelings then relying on jeong concept it will help you to build relationships full of kindness, empathy and support. So, be careful with the individualistic approach that is so common for a Westerner. It may hurt your partner.
Meeting the Family in Korean dating culture
Meeting parents here usually means engagement. It’s an important step, so you need to be prepared for it. We collected some advice for you.
1.) Gifts are of great importance.
Tania F. recommends:
“BRING SOMETHING to gift them when you meet them (this is a must, and if your bf says otherwise don’t listen to him lol) and most importantly, don’t expect the worst. Make sure to bow when greeting them, offer to help the mother prepare something, etc. This is how Korean parents think you care.“
2.) Tattoos may be a problem
Jinny G.:
“Covering tattoos for us is more respect to the elders and their “different” generation. Older generations know the youngsters do things differently but we are still expected to respect them in their company. “
Liza S. advice:
“Quick advice: treat the first time meeting the parents as you would a job interview. I would agree on dressing modestly, something you own in your closet that you wouldn’t feel weird going out in. Try not to show off your tattoos, but if they see one I don’t think it would be game over, but not the best start. It’ll be awkward and formal no matter what you do! “
3.) What should you wear?
Lilly D. recommends:
“It might sound silly but make sure you have good socks on! As you’ll be taking off your shoes. Also, wear something you’re comfortable sitting on the floor with! Comfy pants, long skirt or so.”
Korean Dating App Choices
In Korea, people often meet their significant other by being introduced through friends, colleagues or family members. Dating apps like Tinder or Bumble are popular, but they are not seen as a serious way to find love.
On the other hand, Korea is famous for its “elite” dating apps, which are not so easy to get accepted for.
Sky People – one of the most popular and exclusive Korean dating app. It targets highly educated professionals. Men can’t sign up unless they can prove they have graduated from a prestigious university or have a high-income job. It’s relatively easy to register for women.
Mariam R. gives a feedback:
“Really nice if you’re a female who wants to meet guys who are already screened for qualifications (not sure how guys feel about it) AND if you can read/speak at least some Korean.“
This Korean dating app is often criticized for being sexist, but this kind of approach is acceptable in South Korea.
Gold Spoon – is focused on highest paid professionals like doctors or lawyers. Just like Sky People, men are strictly evaluated. Women only need to upload their photos, but members vote whether or not they should be accepted into the community.
This might seem strange and discriminative, however, not only dating apps but also marriage agencies in Korea require income, employment, and education verification, with quite a few go even further than that.
We hope you enjoyed our article about dating in Korean culture. Please let us know your thoughts in the comments below!
Aegyo is quite interesting to know about. And, do Korean men really think that western people are easy to get? I mean, what makes them think so?