Dating in Chinese Culture – Tips & Unexpected Turns (+Dating Apps in China)
With more than 10 million Chinese people living overseas and about 60 million including their descendants – according to IOM, the odds are you might meet one of them. 😉 So let’s talk about dating in Chinese culture.
What do you need to know before dating a Chinese person?
Dating in Chinese culture is conservative and family-focused – just like Korean dating culture.
Stuard H. emphasized that learning Chinese is a must if you want to succeed in dating:
“Tips for foreigners who want to get married to Asians, LEARN THEIR LANGUAGE. Asian people are very family-centric and you’re ought to be close to your in-laws as much as your own parents. Therefore, communication is a big thing. If you can speak their language even a little bit, at least to the point where you can have a casual basic conversation with them, you’ll be guaranteed approval.”
Dating a Chinese Woman
Shen W. describes Chinese women as highly supportive parters:
“If you are a guy who likes to work really hard, has ambition, and likes to make big decisions, your Chinese wife/girlfriend will support you all the way and make sure everything else is taken care of. They will not nag you about working 60 hours a week then going to play tennis or golf on Saturday morning. They will take care of everything and, they are taught to be independent and look after their man. A good combo in my opinion .”
Lien M. explains women prefer traditional gender roles, (very similar to dating in Japanese culture):
“A Chinese woman would never be attracted to the vulnerable, New Age metro-sexual male … This was my experience with women, along with their friends, that they were seeking a partner who was secure in his manhood and took control as the strong, male role model in a traditional man-woman relationship. This is the type of relationship they grew up in.”
Dating a Chinese Man
Amanda T. shares her observations about Chinese men:
“Individualism isn’t that common. So when it comes to dating, a lot of Chinese men would come across as extremely accommodating, and bland if you’re used to the whole ‘let’s find out what’s unique about you’ phase of dating. Sometimes it might even come across as submissive. However, this submissiveness goes away when the relationship becomes more stable. Some even turn chauvinistic or let their misogynistic side show, and that’s more of a fault of traditional Chinese cultures and upbringing than anything.“
American Born Chinese vs Mainland Chinese
American Born Chinese (usually abbreviated as ABC) is the largest group of the Asian-origin population in the USA (there are nearly 5 million ABCs in the States, and nearly third of them are living in California). They absorb the cultural traits of both countries, but they may also face misunderstandings while dating a mainland Chinese person – also because they are used to the American dating scene.
Huáng W. explains:
“I’m Chinese (grown up overseas) and I find it extremely difficult dating Chinese Chinese. I think the biggest challenge is how differently we value our personal space. To me, relationship is a huge part of me but I do not want to be consumed by it entirely. I’m looking for a partner, not a shadow. I’d like to have some time alone with my friends and family, my career and my hobbies. However many Chinese guys have difficulties accepting that and they often feel insecure when I am not with them.“
First Date and Romantic Relationships
Initiating the date
The man is usually supposed to handle all the decision-making and making the first move. However, Chinese culture is far from the typical machismo culture – that we explained in our article: Dating a Mexican, and are not as bold and forward as men in some Western cultures.
Ken F.
“In our country, we [men] usually invite women in some indirect ways, because most of us are shy. Fortunately, Chinese women always understand what you mean. We always meet each other outside, and we usually let the lady choose her favourite restaurant or food. If she has no idea, we should be prepared to give her some options.”
Food etiquette
Chinese people put food on other people’s plates to show they care, so don’t be surprised.
“Food is huge there, and if you date a Chinese girl you can expect her to cook for you and want to take care of you that way usually. Sharing food is a big thing, taking from the community pile and placing food on her plate shows you love her, asking her if she had eaten first thing shows you care about her...”
Don’t overplay with politeness
Surprisingly, saying a simple “thank you” (which is so natural for Westerners) may be misinterpreted in China. It’s not seen as rude, but in general, it is considered being formal and it is only used in professional, not in personal relationships.
Gao H. tells that being grateful doesn’t mean you need to talk about it:
“I’m Chinese… When we grew up, at least for me, is that we don’t say thank you to the people who are really close to us. Saying “thank you” will often make people feel like an outsider in your life, especially when they just want to do nice things to you, or even just regular things. I distinctly remembered my mom feeling a little bit sad when I express thanks to her after I came back from the States.
…If a Chinese person says thank you on a date, it is almost certain that the other person is friend-zoned. In Chinese culture, saying thank you frequently and formally is the most common way to keep distance from someone explicitly yet politely.”
Actions speak louder than words in Chinese culture and expressing politeness verbally is not always necessary. People will judge you by your actions: they highly value reciprocity via actions and gift-giving and expect you to do favours for them after they do you a favour as a form of thank you.
Who pays the bill?
Melinda S. tells that splitting the bill is not common:
“Expect to have things paid for if you’re in a serious relationship. Chinese people these days still take financial things very seriously. If he did not grow up in a Western culture, and is not paying for or does not offer to pay for anything, he is not serious.”
Going Dutch is not even typical among friends who often insist on paying for shared meals or drinks and will argue over the privilege of paying for others.
Physical Intimacy
Being intimate before marriage is not so common in China like in the West.
Mike S. explains:
“Mainland Chinese people are not as open about sex as Western people and public display of affection is generally a no-no… Many Chinese women I know like to take it very slowly and often find the western way of dating barbaric and uncultured. They also much prefer showing affection through words such as Chinese idioms, old proverbs, etc., to being physically intimate. Very few are into the idea of sex.“
Dating in Chinese Culture: Society & Family Impact
Society sees family as crucial for stability and pushes single women to get married young.
Women who are older than 27 are labelled as “leftovers” and it puts great pressure on them. Therefore, Chinese people are less open to casual dating because it is seen as a “waste of time”. Society puts a burden on them to start a family at a young age, therefore often they would rather marry someone from their inner circle than a foreigner.
Of course, this is only a generalization because the population is so diverse and preferences are changing swiftly with globalization. However, it is important factor to be aware of.
If we are talking about dating a Chinese woman we need to also mention Anquangan (安全感).
Anquangan translates directly to “feeling of security”. Anquangan is giving the feeling of physical and psychological security and overlaps with the premise of trust. This is something that each Chinese woman (maybe even unconsciously) is searching for in relationships.
Brayan S. explains this concept:
“Attracting a Chinese woman is about making her feel safe. If you can provide “安全感“ or security, both financially and emotionally then she will love and respect you. Life in China was pretty tough at one point, so the older generations always wanted to own a house to feel secure. When you date a Chinese woman you’re essentially also dating her family, so if you can meet the requirements her family may have (a house and a stable job) you’re going to make your girlfriend’s life much simpler as her family has already accepted you.“
A cultural focus on marrying early (notably for women) means that dating is ingrained with a lot more meaning and isn’t something that could be taken lightly. This is a key point to keep in mind for everyone who wants to succeed in Chinese dating life.
For Chinese men, “filial piety” – a virtue of respect for one’s parents, elders, and ancestors – plays a massive role in their daily lives.
Mika J. confirms this fact based on her own experience:
“For a lot of Chinese men being near ageing parents and taking care of them is a duty. Some even take their parents in to live with them. It’s endearing to see filial piety but I don’t think I’m able to live with parents. “
This video is a great comparison between Western and Chinese parents:
Meeting the Parents: Basic Etiquette
Meeting the parents is a very important step in the relationship in China.
Therefore, you need to make a good first impression! To win the heart of your partner’s parents follow our basic guide below:
Dress Modestly. This rule may be applied in many other countries, but is extremely important if dating a Chinese person. A deep neckline, high heels or too casual style would be seen as nonrespectful and a lack of taste. This advice also could be applied to almost all Asian countries (for example, dating in Indian culture).
Bring a Gift. It is a must. However, you don’t need to buy anything expensive. Some fruits, a cake or any other dessert is perfect. Furthermore, you can all share it after dinner. This etiquette rule is very common in Eastern countries, so it’s something to keep in mind while dating there (eg. dating in Turkish culture).
Take your shoes off in the house. Be ready to walk around the house in your socks or barefoot.
Greeting & saying goodbye at the table before and after the meal. If you are already sitting at the table waiting for the parents to arrive, make sure you stand up to greet them; just as if the parents leave first, stand up to say goodbye.
Never call them by their first name. Even if you go to the house of a Westernized ABC address them as Mr./Mrs. It is part of showing respect! Using their first name is a huge turn-off.
Pour them tea throughout the meal – it is another demonstration of respect.
Serve your partner and his/her parents – be ready that people will be putting food on your plate to show that they care about the guest. However, it is also expected that you will be acting the same way.
Don’t reject food – you can leave it on your plate, and you are not obliged to eat everything. Let it pile up on your plate, but never ever reject it when someone is serving and putting it for you. In fact, leaving a small amount of food is considered good manners in Chinese culture.
Dating Apps in China
China has developed its own market of dating apps and matchmaking services which are thriving and covering hundreds of millions of users within the country (over 600 million users). Besides others, this happened because the government’s demographic politics focused on encouraging social connections and creating families.
Tantan – one of the most popular dating apps in China. Is also known as the “Chinese Tinder” (was blamed for being a Tinder clone). Has a simple interface based on swiping left and right. On the main page, you will see the short bio, interests, photos, etc. Once you have a match, the app provides the topic (“ice-breaker”), so you can overcome the possible embarrassment and start the chat.
Most importantly, this app also has an English version.
Jimu – also has a Tinder-like interface, is a life-style and interest based app. Users are usually adding photos of their life events, travelling, food, pets, etc, and people start connection by commenting and liking it.
Soul – is one of the dating apps in China that is focused on younger users. Before signing up you need to pass the personality test and answer a couple of questions, so it would be easier to find a match for you.
WeChat – is a messaging app, that wasn’t originally developed for dating. However, as you can find users near your location and filter them by gender many people now use it as one of the dating apps in China.
We hope you enjoyed our article on dating in Chinese culture. Please share you thoughts or questions in the comments below!
This was very insightful and fun to read. Interesting how different things can be in other cultures. Good to know about them putting food on your plate and their feelings about politeness. Thanks for sharing.
These are great tips for singles visiting China
This was such a fascinating read. Thanks for sharing!