Discovering dating cultures begins with understanding peoples’ priorities (orientations). In this first step, you will learn about the time and people oriented cultures and the differences when it comes to their dating styles. By the end of this step, you should also be able to identify your own.
Our common dating habits help us navigate the dating scene. It’s a behavior we pick up during the years and everyone seems to do it very similarly without even thinking about it.
- Do you go exclusive on the first date or do you take a couple of months?
- Do you go on a date in a bar or in a restaurant? Or for a picnic in the park / mulled wine at the Christmas fair?
- If you told all your faults to someone on the first date, would it bring them closer or push them away?
These are all parts of our culture and the more we understand them the easier intercultural dating becomes – be it a holiday romance or wooing that special someone in your multicultural city.
Why do we have different dating cultures?
We have very different mindset around the world. We think and behave sometimes even in contrasting ways. Some of us are very comfortable showing our feelings while others are not. Some are punctual, others don’t even know the time.
Based on what our culture’s orientation is, our courting style reflects it.
What are the 3 different cultural orientations?
When it comes to cultures there are three different cultural orientations:
Let’s look at their differences.
What is the difference between time and people oriented cultures?
The difference comes down to priorities. With the help of this section, you should try and identify yours. If you are not sure, don’t worry, we will look at some clues later.
Time oriented cultures (also called task oriented): they often plan and keep to the plan. Often being busy is associated with being successful. Therefore in these cultures people often have to wait for their turn.
If you reach out to someone for help, you will probably have to wait until they finish what they are doing or what they have planned. Their time and tasks are their priority.
People oriented cultures: to the contrary of time oriented cultures, these cultures often jump to be there for you if you need help. In these cultures YOU are their plan.
They put everything aside and deal with their tasks later. They want to be there for you. People are their highest priority.
Mixed Time & People oriented cultures: people who are both time & people oriented managed to combine the above too. They barely plan, instead they try to do everything instantly when they come up – be it helping someone or a task.
Richard D. Lewis a social theorist calls them the Reactive types.
For these types, despite mixing time & people orientation, people are a higher priority.
Now let’s look at how their dating styles differ.
Time vs. people oriented dating cultures
There are many different dating styles around the world. From arranged marriages and traditions of small tribes to the Japanese and American dating culture.
However, there are 3 distinctively different ones that will make your life a lot easier if you understand them. They are in line with their cultural orientation:
- American Style Dating Culture (Time Oriented)
- European Style (People Oriented)
- Asian Style (Mixed Time & People Oriented)
Please note, we call them American Style Dating Culture, European or Asian Style for ease of remembering. However, it doesn’t mean that all European countries are used to European Style Dating. We will talk about that later.
Let’s look at them separately:
Time Oriented Dating Culture
People from a time oriented culture love structure in everything they do and it shows in their dating culture also.
A good example for time oriented is the: American Dating Culture.
Americans have a very clear dating phase and the exclusivity talk when they start the relationship.
Dates are short (around 2 hours). They often go to bars and restaurants and starting with a drink to lighten up the mood is quite common.
They are not only time oriented, but are often very individualistic also.
People Oriented Dating Culture
In many different ways it is the total opposite of time oriented dating.
Many Eastern European countries are used to this dating style.
So what’s the difference?
European Style Dating can feel extremely fast to those who are not used to it.
While American Dating Culture is quite distant in the beginning in terms of letting someone close, in people oriented cultures it is very important to do so. Expressing that you like the other person is important and starting an exclusive relationship often on the first date is not rare.
Dates are often much longer. 6-10 hours long first dates are not unusual if they go well.
People who are used to the time oriented, American Dating Culture, often say that European Style Dating is backward. This is because Americans date before going exclusive, but people oriented types date after going exclusive.
Mixed Time & People Oriented
Mixed time & people oriented dating culture is common in many Asian countries. They are the most traditional of all.
One of the biggest difference to the other two types, is that in Asian Style Dating, once people start a relationship (going public), they will prepare to get married. Therefore in these cultures, starting a relationships is often equal to the Western ‘proposal’ also.
Dates are a combination of time oriented as well as people oriented dating cultures. They are shorter – similar to American dating, but dates involve more activities like going to the cinema and building a bond.
Asian Style is similar to American Style Dating Culture where they date before going exclusive.
Which dating culture are you compatible with?
Which one you are compatible with greatly depends on how adaptable you are. If you date outside of the style you are used to, it can be very confusing and frustrating.
People from time oriented cultures are usually the least adaptable (as they like to stick to a plan). If you are from these cultures, you might not be comfortable dating someone from another. Or you will expect them to adapt to you.
On the contrary, people from time & people oriented cultures are usually the most flexible. However, their culture can be very traditional and they might not be comfortable dating someone from a lot more liberal culture. Especially men.
At the end of the day, we are all different with different experiences. Which dating cultures you are compatible with, will greatly depend on how ready you are to challenge your comfort zone.
The further you are culturally from someone, the more novelty, complementing personality (and frustration) it could bring with different values. Therefore finding the right balance is important.
I hope you found this article interesting. Please let me know in the comments below where you are from and what your dating style is. I’ll enjoy reading!
As a next step, we will look at some clues to help you identify someone’s dating and attachment styles.