Filial piety is considered a key virtue in Chinese and other East Asian cultures. So let’s look at what is it and how it could affect your love life when it comes to international dating.
What is filial piety? (Definition)
In Confucian, Chinese Buddhist and Taoist ethics, filial piety (Chinese: 孝, xiào) is a virtue of respect for one’s parents, elders, and ancestors.
In more general terms, it requires children to offer love, respect and support to their parents and other elders in the family. It also means to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home. This is to bring a good name to one’s parents and ancestors; display courtesy; to ensure male heirs, uphold fraternity among brothers. Wisely advise one’s parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness. Display sorrow for their sickness and death; to bury them and carry out sacrifices after their death. (Wikipedia)
Confucian ethics does not regard filial piety as a choice, but rather as an unconditional obligation of the child.
The relationship between parents and children is the most fundamental of the five cardinal relationships described by Confucius in his role ethics
Filial piety in East Asian cultures
Confucian teachings about filial piety have left their mark on East Asian languages and culture.
However, interestingly, filial piety is slightly different in different countries.
Some practice it more with the close family only, while in other countries extended family is just as important. The way people offer love and support also differs slightly among Asian countries.
For some, it’s more about love and caring for the elderly, while for others it is more about ensuring there is always food on the table and to provide financial support. Despite these slight differences, the concept is the same.
In Chinese, there is a saying that “among hundreds of behaviors, filial piety is the most important one”. However, filial piety in China is mostly focused on taking care of close kin, and be less interested in wider issues of more distant people. Read our article to learn more about relationships and dating in Chinese culture.
In Japan, however, devotion to kinship relations was and still is much more broadly construed, involving more than just kin. Read our blog post on: dating in Japanese culture.
If you are dating in Korean culture, filial piety is also of crucial importance.
In Taiwan, it is considered one of eight important virtues, among which filial piety is considered supreme. It is “central in all thinking about human behavior.”
Taiwan generally has more traditional values with regard to the parent–child relationship than the People’s Republic of China. This is reflected in attitudes about how desirable it is for the elderly to live independently.
Vietnamese culture has long promoted a profound affection for parents, with children taught to respect and love them from the bottom of their hearts. To many, it is not a filial duty, but rather an unbreakable bond. This article explains it in more detail.
Interestingly, in Chinese culture it seems to be more about providing food and financial support. Whereas in Vietnamese culture is more focused on caring and mental support.
Filial Piety Significance:
Is your parents’ opinion of your partner important?
In countries, where filial piety is very strong, children will often seek the opinion of their parents.
The more we go West, toward the US (the most individualistic country in the world) the less it matters.
In some European countries, it will be somewhere in the middle – children will often ask for their parents’ opinion, consider it, then make their own decision.
When it comes to relationships, filial piety could be a deal breaker in some very traditional countries.
In some Asian countries (eg. in Vietnam), it is not uncommon, that people have to break up with their partner if their parents don’t agree with their choice.
Vietnam is getting more and more modern now, but it still often happens.
Occasionally, the couple will decide to stay together, despite their parents’ disapproval, which can lead to parents disobeying their children.
Who is more important: your partner or your parents
For most, the answer to this is very easy – but not necessarily the same.
In Western countries, most of us are raised that after marriage, our partner becomes the most important person in our lives.
However, in some Asian countries, the mum is the most important person. (You might also find a very strong bond in some more traditional Western countries – like if you are dating in Italian).
Even if you are married to her son, in many cases he will go and help her even if it is the middle of the night.
As women in Asian countries usually move in with their husband and their family, there isn’t a filial piety expectation on them as it is on a son.
The son is expected to stay and help the parents.
This is the reason why in many Asian countries, they prefer to have a son than a daughter.
If you are from a different cultural background, discuss these differences to make sure both of you feel loved and appreciated.
Raising children: is it ok to hit them?
Teaching children respect for the elderly is part of raising them in filial piety cultures.
In many countries people still hit their children to teach them manners and behavior.
They don’t have a law like in the UK or US where children can report their parents for physical abuse.
People from filial piety cultures think people in others don’t have respect for their parents or manners. People from non-filial piety cultures get shocked when others hit their children.
Make sure you are on the same page and agree what is acceptable and what is not.
What will you do when your elderly parents need care and looking after?
Would you put your parents in a nursing home or care for them in your own house?
In many Western countries, it is totally normally for the elderly to go into care homes.
In China, nursing homes are getting more popular (according to a 2017 article, there are now 26 beds for 1000 people and nursing homes have long waiting lists).
However, in Vietnam, there are barely any (according to a 2017 article, there were only 3 in the whole country).
This is probably due to the differences in how these two countries show their support and care – not just due to the differences in their economies.
In many filial piety cultures, people look after their parents in their own homes. Individualistic cultures often put the elderly in nursing homes.
If you have cultural differences, make sure you discuss this early enough.
At How to Date a Foreigner, we hope you found this article on Filial Piety – Significance in your love iife interesting and eye-opening. Are you a filial piety child? Is your parents’ opinion important? Would you break up with a partner if your parents didn’t like them? Let us know in the comments below. Please state your country just for our curiosity, thank you!