Dating in Turkish Culture: “… it’s kept hidden from the family!”
Do you know the connection between salted coffee and happy relationships in Turkey? Today we will talk about this and many other important things to be familiar with when dating in Turkish culture. Let’s get started!
What do you need to know before dating in Turkey?
“Turkish dating culture is built on the concept of the man chasing the girl. Turkish folklore and movies involving romance always have this near-stalking type of chasing, with a lot of rejections from the girl, until she finally caves in. It’s actually sort of creepy from a Western perspective!“
Casual dating is not common which is the main difference compared to most Western countries. The pressure of society and family opinion is also strong. It makes dating in Turkey somewhat similar to the dating culture in China and other Eastern countries.
Narim M. confirms it:
“The culture of ‘let’s get into a relationship, and then we will see what happens’ doesn’t exist in Turkey. Even if it exists, it’s kept hidden from the family…Turkey, just like many Middle Eastern and Asian countries, has a shame culture compared to Western countries which have a guilt culture.“
Another thing to keep in mind is that Turkey is a Muslim country, hence many people follow rather strict rules and customs when it comes to their romantic life. It can be a challenge for some people who fall for someone of a different faith. However, Turkey is not as conservative in this regard as some South Asian countries are (for example, dating in India can be really challenging for a foreigner).
Zaynep D. gives her insight:
“Personally, as a Turkish woman who currently lives in Turkey, I have a non-muslim, foreign partner and we have never faced any problems because of his origin or his beliefs…There are many examples of intermarriages around us here in Turkey because non of us are a hundred per cent ‘pure Turk’ when you think about it. We are a ‘mosaic’, that’s how we always describe our country. It’s impossible to imagine Turkey without different cultures, languages and religions, which means that it’s also impossible not to expect any inter-cultural or inter-religious marriages.“
Dating a Turkish Man
His manhood is important to him, so he wants to be seen as a truly strong and capable man. Keep this in mind if you are building relationships with him.
Furthermore, highly likely he will have big plans for the future from the early stages of dating, so be ready for that.
Additionally, almost all of our contributors emphasized that they are generous, and full of romantic gestures. Flowers, compliments, expensive gifts…there will be plenty of these while dating a Turkish man.
Jennifer S. tells about gender roles in Turkey:
“Turkish men can be quite traditional when it comes to gender roles and expectations; so don’t be surprised if he expects you to do most of the cooking and cleaning.
Turkish men are known for being passionate and romantic; so if you’re looking for a partner who will sweep you off your feet, you’ve found him!
However, this passion can also manifest itself in more aggressive ways; so be prepared for some intense displays of affection.“
Karen C. says that Turkish men are jealous just like men are in Mexican culture:
“Turkish men can take jealousy and possessiveness to a whole other level. The less you talk about your past relationships the better. Dressing sexy? Only for him.“
Dating A Turkish Woman
Dating in Turkish culture is very family-oriented.
Dina S. says that Turkish women are looking for marriage, not for fun:
“Most Turkish girls don’t really ‘date’ in the western sense. Most of them are looking for a marital partner, and if the guy isn’t marriage material, why waste his and her time? Also, being seen out casually with a variety of guys sullies her reputation in the local community, as she risks being labelled ‘easy’. The last important point to bear in mind is that Turkish girls are generally extremely coquettish. They enjoy pretending not to be interested, or they’ll check out how much you are willing to spend on them over dinner, they play little jealousy games to see your reaction, and will often play ‘secret, mysterious and evasive’.“
Elif S. tells that social life is important for them:
“Turks in general are very warm-blooded and strive by connecting with other people. Turkish women also tend to form friends and enjoy socializing regularly. They may be needy as wives as they enjoy being treated like a princess and enjoy being taken care of.”
Nikolas L. describes them as incredibly warm and caring:
“I’m Greek and I was in a relationship with a Turkish girl for almost 2 years, many years ago. Greek and Turkish have a lot of common behaviour and culture. But yes I totally agree with the point that Turkish women really shows their caring side. I never meet this again in my life. They immediately cook, prepare the table, light a fire, and make Turkish tea, cakes and burek. They can do it all in such a short time that you may be shocked. They usually make really rich and delicious breakfasts. Turkish women are amazing!“
Public Displays of Affection
Egos S. tells that PDAs are not widespread:
“Public affection is usually frowned upon by older generations but most you’ll get is angry looks (assuming you’re talking about kissing, we hug a lot that’s not a taboo) no one is waiting with a stone to crush your head. There are places you can do as you please tho. No one will care what you do in a festival for example, or at a bar etc, so basically, young people= nobody cares, old people= try to be “respectful” in their way. Also, foreigners always get a free pass. Making out is a no-no everywhere but nightclubs. But yeah foreigners are much more tolerated.”
First Dates when dating in Turkish culture
Men usually pay the bill
Dina S.
“Always let him pay. Be classy and dress well. Don’t be offended by direct questions regarding your work or family. Be honest about your expectations from the dating relationship – many Turks approach dating as a business transaction and don’t want to waste time if neither side has similar expectations.”
Take it slow
It’s better to keep the distance and avoid being too physical, unlike some Western or Latin American countries (eg. Brazilian dating culture).
Mustafa R. gives a piece of advice:
“I think it’s better to play it safe and respect boundaries for the first date, I think they tend to appreciate that.“
Relationships & Marriage in Turkish dating culture
Another interesting thing about dating in Turkish culture is that there are three rings for different stages of your relationship: one for the commitment stage, another for engagement and the third one for marriage. You need to be aware of this to avoid any possible cultural misunderstandings.
Ipek G. explains these three stages:
“The promise ring is a cheap one between the proposal in front of the family and the engagement party. It’s called ‘Söz bileziģi’ (promise ring). This is the first step in the commitment towards being a couple, though less formal than the ‘engagement’ which is the next step and is also associated with a ring.
When engaged you wear matching, thick, gold rings on your right hand.
After you are married you change the ring to left hand.”
Engagement in Turkish dating culture
Dating in Turkish culture is accompanied by some ancient traditions and customs. In Turkey, when a guy decides to marry a girl he visits her house with his family to ask for her hand from her parents. A girl prepares a coffee for guests. However, she puts salt in one of the cups. Who do you think will be the owner of that cup of salted coffee?
Dilara S.
“They put salt or pepper to check if the ‘groom-to-be’ would drink it all without complaining. If he complains it means he doesn’t love her; if he doesn’t say anything, it means he loves her.“
“Also, most Turkish women prefer a ‘classic’ family structure, where the husband provides the money through work and the wife takes care of the kids and prepares food for her husband and kids. Compared to for example Western cultures where women want to be a little more independent. Where both parents usually work, and the male cooks from time to time or even where I live (Netherlands) is a househusband. But in big cities in Turkey this is also changing, because living there is just getting too expensive for only one family member to work. Women can work, I’m not saying that they aren’t allowed. But some of them prefer to be housewives/stay-at-home moms.”
Meeting the Parents
Hand-kissing tradition in Turkey
It is common in Turkey to kiss the hand of older relatives on religious holidays and other special events. Coming to the house of your future spouse is one of them. So, you need to kiss the hand, then touch the hand to the forehead, and then kiss both cheeks. Typically if they expect it they will just put their hand out.
Mattew S. shares his unfortunate experience:
“Met my Turkish ex-girlfriend’s mom for the first time and she put her hand out for me to kiss, but I gave it a firm handshake instead. And maybe that is why she’s my ex-girlfriend now LOL“
Bring a little gift
In this sense, Turkish culture is similar to dating in Chinese culture or dating in Korean culture. Bringing a small gift to parents is welcomed and even expected.
James F.
“Just want to make one thing clear, flowers and chocolate/Turkish delights baklava etc. are must-haves. Also whatever you buy, ‘pistachio’ options are often considered better unless you know dad especially likes something else such as baklava with walnuts for example. One important point missed, felt the need to add: if your gift is edible it MUST be halal. Do not ever get them something that is not halal unless you get closer in time and they ask you to.”
Learn their language and show your interest in Turkish culture
Kate L.
“If you learn only just a few Turkish words, for example, to say thank you etc, they will love you for it. That’s how my bf won over my parents with his cute accent.”
Be ready for serious questions. In this sense, it is very similar to dating in Indian culture.
Jeremy F.
“If you want to make a good impression on the parents have a steady job or a bright future. They’re basically looking for someone who can take good care of their girl. And if you’re a foreigner it could be useful to show interest in the Turkish culture, because the parents don’t want their children and grandchildren to forget their roots.”
Etiquette rules to be aware of
- You will be taking off your shoes when entering their home.
- It is rude to pass something to a person using only your left hand. One must use either both hands or the right hand alone.
- It is rude to show someone the sole of your foot.
- Don’t cross your legs (especially men) and point your feet towards your host or friends.
Following these simple rules will help you to win Turkish parents’ hearts!
We hope you liked our post on dating in Turkish culture. Please share you thoughts in the comments below!
Love the insights that you share about different cultures. Keep writing and sharing.
It’s so interesting to learn how dating differs from country to country – and how it can even differ so much in just one country! I really appreciated how you shared quotes of people who actually had experienced the dating culture in Turkey. It was really interesting to read their perspective. Thanks for sharing!
interesting read from a westerner perspective! Good to hear reasons behind difference cultures and customs!
Wow this is so interesting and very different from the western perspective.
What fascinating cultural insight. Love the different perspectives given.
The salted coffee is really interesting!