Summary: For many Americans the meaning of vulnerable is obvious. However, you might be surprised that it is not in many other countries. We think we understand it, but we can’t relate to it or our definition is wrong. It is due to cultural differences. I am one of those who never fully understood it until a mixed cultural personal experience opened my eyes. As the founder of How to Date a Foreigner, I have a great passion for cultural differences. I would love to share it with you.
If you date someone from the US, Canada, Australia, or even New Zealand, this article will help you to understand them a lot better. On the other hand, if you are American, read it to understand the other side.
This article builds on our other article: How do you build trust in a relationship? Competence vs Emotional Intimacy. We highly recommend you to read that first, to fully understand it. This article refers to some of the knowledge in there.
Why people from relationship-based countries can’t relate?
If you have read my other article ‘How to build trust in a relationship’ you understand the differences in how some cultures build trust based on competence (task based cultures) while others based on emotional intimacy (relationship-based cultures).
Task based cultures (eg. US) build trust based on competence and by knowing someone can be relied on to complete a task.
According to my Canadian friend (where the culture is very similar to the US), when people open up about their thoughts or feelings, others would express their opinion. She explained me that many people in the US are very opinionated and therefore in these situations the person can feel very vulnerable and attacked.
As the culture is so strong around competence and perfection, showing some weakness or non-capability is highly discouraged. Seeing your weak side can make someone lose trust in you.
On the other hand, relationship-based cultures (many European and Asian countries) encourage emotional intimacy. We believe it brings you closer and builds trust. You cannot fully call someone a friend until you are super close. Know their dreams, fears, regrets, bad qualities and childhood memories. Knowing these and many more will strengthen the bond and your relationship.
As relationship-based countries encourage emotional intimacy, the person who the information is shared with appreciates the trust of the other. In exchange, they will sympathize and comfort. Usually, they will try their best not to judge and keep their negative opinions to themselves. They know they just need to provide a shoulder to their friend to lean on.
As in relationship-based countries giving negative, judgmental feedback in these situations is not common. Therefore the person opening up, won’t feel attacked and hence vulnerable.
What the meaning of vulnerable is in relationship-based countries?
Contrary to task-based cultures, in relationship-based cultures, vulnerable is mostly used for physical attack (as we don’t really get attacked when we open up about our emotions). Therefore, in relationship-based countries vulnerable is associated with the physically weak: children and elderly. If you call someone vulnerable in these cultures, they might even get offended.
What is the meaning of vulnerable in the US?
Vulnerable in the US (and other task-based countries) means someone susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. However, in these countries people are more likely to think of emotional vulnerability first, then physical.
My personal experience that made me finally understand it
A day after we had our interesting chat about cultural differences with my Canadian friend, I flew home.
As I entered my apartment a week later than planned (due to heavy rains and typhoon) the worst moldy smell hit me.
Great… I messaged my Vietnamese landlord about it as I was already in messages with her while walking in. She told me it’s normal in the rainy season.
Just as I finished the message, 2 steps into my kitchen, I fast realized it’s not mold. It’s my barely recognizable carrot and eggs.
The following conversations followed with my landlord, family and friends:
Vietnamese landlord:
New message to my landlord, admitting it’s not mold. She sends me a smile and offers to bring me some nice smelling candles to help.
Hungarian parents:
At the same time my parents check on me: have you arrived?
I like to keep them involved in my life – be it good or bad (it’s part of my relationship based culture, it helps bonding). So I told them I arrived, but I can barely breath.
My dad replied: he hopes the smell will be gone soon.
Canadian friend:
Finally, I get a message from my Canadian friend, checking on me also.
So, I share the same with her.
Her reply: Ewwww! Why? Yours??? You forgot it???
Wow, I now finally understand the meaning of vulnerable and how sharing your weaknesses make one feel!
Conclusion:
My Vietnamese landlord and Hungarian parents (both from relationship-based cultures) instantly comforted and sympathized with me. My landlord even offered to bring me candles. How nice!
On the other hand, my Canadian friend (from a task-based culture) accused / attacked me for forgetting it (and probably not being competent to think ahead when I left for the holiday). Interesting! Now I understand why people feel vulnerable and how their culture makes them become vulnerable when some others, including mine, don’t. Why I am so open about my feelings and not afraid of being hurt, while others conceal them. Because our cultural experiences are different.
Is your culture comforting or making you vulnerable? Let me know in the comments below and please don’t forget to state your country too!