When it comes to intimacy, most people automatically think of physical intimacy. However a lot less are aware of or even comfortable with emotional intimacy. It is not just a personal preference, but rather a cultural one – how we were raised. Different needs for emotional intimacy can put a strain on an otherwise happy relationship. At How to Date a Foreigner, we will explore the different views of these cultures.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is an aspect of interpersonal relationships that varies in intensity from one relationship to another and varies from one time to another, much like physical intimacy.
It involves a perception of closeness to another that allows sharing of personal feelings, accompanied by expectations of understanding, affirmation, and demonstration of caring. (Wikipedia)
If you were raised in a culture where emotional intimacy is not practiced or even looked down on, letting someone close can be outright difficult. Not to mention, it can be a lot more challenging to men. Society expects them to be strong (and emotional intimacy is looked as a weakness).
Cultures where emotional intimacy is not encouraged
Certain cultures provide a lot more emotional or mental support to each other than others. In these cultures it is highly encouraged to reach out to family and friends about one’s feelings. They listen, understand, care and support in exchange.
Those who are reached out to, normally feel appreciated as it usually comes with a high level of trust. It’s considered to strengthen the bond, trust and friendship between people.
On the other hand some cultures consider emotional intimacy as a vulnerability. It is rather looked down on and not encouraged.
People in these cultures are a lot less likely to reach out to friends and family with their problems for emotional support. Instead they tend to rather share them with a psychologist – and it is considered absolutely normal.
Whereas countries where emotional intimacy is encouraged in society, using the services of a psychologist is usually seeked for serious mental illnesses only. Going to a psychologist is therefore rather rare or even a bit looked down on.
Countries where emotional intimacy is not encouraged include USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and UK is somewhere half way between. Some countries that were ruled by the USA for a long period of time, such as the Philippines also has a similar view.
Partners with a different need
If you and your partner has a different need, it can put your relationship at risk.
The partner without need for emotional intimacy: they are likely to consider their partner as weak and feel akward in situations when feelings come up. They might not feel ‘enough’ to support their partner.
The partner with need for emotional intimacy: they might feel their partner doesn’t trust them or let them close. They might try to break their ‘hard shell’ but will find that even if they manage to do it from time to time, it will only happen with effort from their side.
Their partner won’t be likely to open up on their own. Their perception that their partner doesn’t trust them or constantly ‘distant’ might lead to jealousy. Thinking they have some secrets – when it is probably it’s not the case.
How to build emotional intimacy?
If you or your partner were raised in a culture where emotional intimacy is not encouraged it can take a long time and trust between partners until one feels comfortable with it.
It will be a long journey of patience and trust (from both sides). For one party to open up and for the other to trust until the other is ready. Start with less intense discussions and for short intervals. Maybe a question at a time days or weeks apart.
The deeper the discussion, it might require more time between. If they are too soon or often, it might make your partner to close off.
A very good place to start are the ‘36 questions to make someone fall in love with you’. It was developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and tested on several strangers to encourage closeness through mutual vulnerability.
The idea behind the questions is that they build emotional intimacy through childhood, memories and questions related to thoughts and feelings.
If you are not comfortable with emotional intimacy, start with the least intense questions and the ones discussing older memories. Older memories and feelings tend to be less intense and therefore easier to discuss.
Another great source for questions could be some of the ‘Skin deep’ interview videos on Youtube.
These questions will help you get to know each other better and connect on a level you might not have connected with anyone before.
We hope you found this article helpful. If you have some other ideas on how to connect better or you want to share some questions to build emotional intimacy, please let us know in the comments below.
Read next: Japanese Blood Type Personality – Horoscope In These 3 Countries