How is Dating in South African culture? Let the locals tell!
South Africa astonishes with its diversity in all spheres. It is home for people of different origins – Xhosa, Zulu, Afrikaans, English, Dutch, Indian and many others. Therefore, dating in South African culture is not so “clear cut.” However, we collected the advice of both locals and expats to make your life easier!
What do you need to know before dating a South African person?
South Africa is a blend of different cultures, which makes dating a lot less straightforward as one may expect.
Even though South Africans call themselves “the rainbow nation” to emphasize the unity of different ethnic, cultural and racial groups after the Apartheid era (institutionalized racial segregation), interracial dating and marriage are still not widespread there.
Cheron S. tells about this issue:
“South Africans are very hung up on race. We were only allowed to bring home coloured or white partners – this is how racist my parents, grandparents, neighbours, and community were. When my sister rebelled and married her black love my parents didn’t even attend the wedding! Yet what a wonderful husband and father he is that others look up to him.”
Tyra D. compares her experience of dating a British person with dating culture in South Africa:
“I’m a black South African lady and I’ve lived in London and Canada. I’ve dated everyone. I have never had an issue with race in the UK and in Canada interracial relationships are common. It’s not a big deal, however here in South Africa it’s a big deal to date outside your race, South Africa still has a long way to go.“
Cross a few countries to the North, and you find a very different mindset and dating culture in Nigeria, where people are more open to having relationships outside their community.
Yoni B. says that dating in South African culture is similar to the West – at least in the big cities:
“If you’re dating in white, middle-class circles in big cities like Johannesburg and Capetown, then your experience will be similar to dating in most westernized, Eurocentric cultures.“
Dating a South African Man
Lana V. looks at South African men through the positive lens
“Overall I consider SA Man are very reliable, gentle and polite, conservative and family oriented and who see the woman as an equal partner, not a trophy wife.”
Femke S. a Dutch woman tells her experience:
“I am married to a South African (with an English background from Cape Town – important to note I think), and overall I did think they are a little old-fashioned when it comes to gender roles, but they are also mega friendly, easily will make the first move. My Dutch directness was a bit of an issue at first though“
Dating South African Women:
Glen B. shares his experience:
“South African women are the salt of the earth, hard-working, family-focused, loving, God-fearing, the fabric that holds the family together. They are not treated as equals in rural communities but are in the cities. Times are changing and the dowry is slowly disappearing.”
Mike D. jokes about how to win the heart of South African women. As we all know, there is a grain of truth in every joke, so it’s probably worth keeping his advice 😉
“Make sure you’re hyper-masculine to compete with all the bros out there lol..
Learn to braai [Afrikaans – “to grill”]
Make sure you’re good at rugby and cricket
Wear only flipflops and shorts
Be really good at camping in the bush
Be super outdoorsy.“
Gender Roles while dating in South African culture
First Date
Be ready that people are exclusive from the first date!
Maburwane M. says when dating in South African culture, honesty is crucial:
“Honestly speaking, as a South African guy I prefer focusing on one girl, studying her but at the same time making her aware of my intentions so that she may not think I’m here for friendship only. I think being clear regarding what you want will save you a lot of time. I find it important to tell a girl literally the truth about my intentions or what I’m thinking. I wonder how American guys are able to keep track of what they’ve done with the numerous girls they’ve gone on dates with, I honestly would forget cause I can’t focus on numerous girls at the same time.”
It is usually expected that man pays the bill.
Gayle T. tells that usually a man takes a lead during the first date:
“Women are not expected to ‘go Dutch’ on the first few dates. Nor are we expected to make the first move. A South African man will let you know if he’s interested, not the other way around – it’s seen as too forward. Although for some people that can be refreshing!”
Relationship & Marriage
Romantic relationships are considered more traditional and conservative. Some people call it patriarchal and outdated while others justify this approach:
“Lobola” in South African culture
“Lobola” is a South African word for dowry (bride’s price). This tradition is still very much alive. According to some of our contributors in almost 80% of cases, people here will ask for lobola. The youngsters may reject it but it is very important to in-laws and this question can be negotiated even between the uncles and other relatives. No labola no engagement! Also, it’s expected to follow certain rituals or honouring ancestors especially when it comes to marriage. This is similar to dating in Indian culture.
Donna S. explains it more closely:
“Ask one’s partner plenty of questions about his/her family and their traditions. If your partner is a Christian he may not believe in animal sacrifices but his mama might! Future in-laws expect future daughters-in-law and sons-in-law to participate in their rituals with either a goat, sheep or cow depending on the family. Date an African is really dating their whole family… Polygamy is very real and recognized here. Most men won’t want to introduce their girlfriend unless it’s serious.“
Mudiwa T. explains that “lobola” shouldn’t be seen as a negative cultural phenomenon:
“Sadly, lobola is being labelled as ‘purchasing’ a woman. Unfortunately, this liberal western feminist perspective has been allowed to take root without question. What is the purpose of lobola? That should be the first question. I won’t go into a long lecture about the cultural anthropology of lobola and African marriage rites. I will say that there are very valid, positive reasons for it.“
Adepoju B. gives more details:
“In some South African cultures like mine, It is rude and disrespectful to pay the full bride price at once. You are not buying your wife and as such irrespective of how much money you have you must pay in instalments. Remember, every time the instalments have received the delegation are also getting an opportunity for the two families to meet and build a relationship. In my culture, it is also taboo to pay cash. You’ll be told this is not a ‘cash & carry’ furniture shop. It’s about building relationships…Paying cash in full is seen as the groom and his family telling the in-laws ‘I don’t owe you, don’t come to my home, don’t contact me.’ The remaining debt creates room for in-laws to meet continually and build the relationship. Sometimes it is the first son who will finally pay the last instalment on behalf of his father.”
South African Dating Apps
Here is a list of the most popular dating apps in the country according to SimilarWeb:
- Tinder
- Badoo
- Dating and Chat – Sweet Meet
- Dating.com: Chat, Meet, People
- Dating and Chat – Evermatch
We hope you liked our article on dating in South African culture. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
What an eye opening post and clever blog idea. You can learn a lot about the culture from reading on your site.
There’s a very interesting testimonies to read. I had no idea about the dating scene here to be honest!