Dating in Japanese Culture “…never happened in the USA, I was in shock!”
From “kokuhaku” and Konkatsu parties to popular local dating apps, this article will help you understand the basics of dating in Japan.
What do you need to know before dating a Japanese person?
Many things that would be considered normal in Western cultures are not the case in Japan. One of these being casual dating, that became close to the synonym of American dating scene.
Johnatan M. gives advice to dating in Japanese culture:
“Japanese women don’t have the same notion of casual dating that is prevalent in the West, so they will probably be taking any dates after your first pretty seriously. So, understanding this, foreign guys should also take them seriously. As a Western male, I was repeatedly surprised at how rapidly Japanese women’s conception of the seriousness of our relationship progressed. If you are honest about your intentions (looking for a casual relationship), a high proportion will not want to proceed any further.”
The society is very selfless, which is why work and public responsibilities are prioritized over personal romance.
Hinata S. explains the roots of the Japanese approach to romance and shares his views on similarity with Korean dating culture
“I think Korean-Japanese education and values do not make men romantic and emotional since obedience and silence is so strongly enforced in family and school. My mindset is focused on working and problem-solving but most romantic moves seem alien or awkward to me. Asian guys like me are usually friendship first and physical later and sexual emotion is kept on a fantasy level.“
In Japanese dating culture, there is a term called “kukki o yomu”. It means “understanding a situation without words” (literal translation is “reading the air”). It’s important to keep this in mind. Therefore, if you are dating in Japan, be ready to read between lines and don’t expect straightforward conversations with your Japanese girlfriend or boyfriend.
Dating in Japanese culture – Who initiates?
Social protocol still dictates that men ask women out and make the first move.
Youji H. emphasises that it’s important to create a social connection first:
“We prefer to propose a relationship after we assess compatibility in a more social but non-romantic setting…So one should establish social/personal relationships first, and only after that try to establish a romantic one. So if you are female and can’t communicate, then it is unlikely that anyone will ask you out.
If you want a Japanese boyfriend, the probable first step is to find a female friend.”
Public display of affection
In Japan, the culture of affection and dating is very discreet. Public displays of affection is not very common – unlike dating an Italian, and relationships are often kept private (people don’t even talk about who they’re dating).
テイラーサム explains:
“In Japanese culture, public displays of affection are frowned upon, especially kissing, which is almost never done.”
Even married couples don’t show their feelings in public. To them, it is normal, but to foreigners, it can be off-putting. Culturally, the Japanese put less value on physical affection in relationships, and more value on the mental/emotional components, so affection is expressed more subtly.
Tracy G. made an interesting observation:
“If you want a guy who is passionate about you, Japanese guys might not be the way to go. Japanese men are more aloof. You can be at a party with a Japanese couple who are having a wild affair, and you’d never know it. They don’t hold hands. They don’t wink across the room at each other. No stolen glances, no flirting. The boyfriend can even sit next to his girlfriend while another guy tries to get her phone number. He usually won’t interfere.”
First date Do’s and Dont’s when dating in Japanese culture
- Our contributors advise planning the date upfront
Fusae H. explains girls’ point of view:
“You should never, ever, ever be ‘spontaneous’ for dates. Always tell us where ya’ll are going, when you’ll meet, and exactly what you’re going to do. If you want her opinion, that’s fine, just ask her and plan in advance. Otherwise, we’ll just panic.”
- Full-Day Dates
Having a cup of coffee is not the most common option for a date location. Surely, it all depends on individual preferences, but a date in Japan is more than just hanging out in a bar. Often it might be a half-day or a full-day event.
- It worth learning some basic Eastern etiquette
Megan R. explains when dating a Japanese person (just like dating in Chinese culture):
“Both the Chinese and the Japanese consider it bad luck to put chopsticks sticking up in the rice because it is associated with death. Something about chopsticks being used at some time to pick up the bones of the dead, I think/ Also, if you can use chopsticks and are eating with a group, use the small ends to feed yourself, and the big ends to pick up food from the collective bowls.”
- Talking about social status, and career plans/achievements are absolutely accepted.
Leslie B. shares her experience dating a Japanese man:
“A lot of men told me upfront about how much money they make and would ask what I expected. This never happened in the states, so it was a shock.”
- It’s still common when a man pays the bill.
Leslie B.:
“I usually let the guys pay and I found most of them liked to (it makes them happy lol) but it depends on the person of course.”
Romantic Relationship with a Japanese man/woman
Partner asks your status as a couple to become official
In Japan, you have to make a “relationship-proposal” to the girl. In Japanese, this expression sounds like “kokuhaku”. Basically, you have to ask after a couple of dates “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”.
テイラーサム explains the role of “kokuhaku”:
“…Also, the kokuhaku (confession of romantic feelings) is an important concept in Japanese dating culture. In my experience, physical intimacy usually comes after the kokuhaku so that both parties know explicitly that they are dating. Avoiding uncertainty and awkward misunderstandings is highly valued in Japanese culture.“
While being in a romantic relationship with a Japanese person don’t expect to hear tender words often.
James B. points out possible misunderstandings on the linguistic level:
“ Lovey-dovey names like ‘honey’, ‘dear’, and ‘sweetheart’ [that are so common, if you are dating a British] are not used in Japan (there isn’t really a Japanese equivalent to such pet names), so in Anglophonic/interracial relationships, affectionate speech can come across as awkward. This cultural/linguistic difference is another factor that contributes to Japanese seeming less affectionate than other people. They themselves don’t always realize that they appear uninterested…“
The phrase “I love you” in English is often used quite openly (people say it to friends, family, significant others, etc.), but in Japanese, it is not used nearly as freely. They will usually use an equivalent of “I like you” to mean the same thing. The direct translation of “I love you” is reserved for very serious relationships (e.g. married couples).
Hannah Z. explains how Japenese people express their love:
“In Japanese culture, they don’t say ‘I love you’ too. They were taught that love is to be proven by action, not words. Body language or actions matter more than words. At least, that’s what they believe in.“
Another important thing to keep in mind while dating in Japan is that people are keen to get married when they reach their mid-twenties. It’s seen as a waste of time dating if you don’t see each other as someone you could marry.
Meeting family
Introducing your partner to your parents is a sign that you are seriously dating with a view towards getting married. Unlike dating in Germany (where meeting family members may occur after a few dates), in Japan it is a very serious step.
Chiaki W. explains, if you are dating a Japanese man:
“Don’t expect him to introduce you to his family until you are engaged to him.
Don’t try to attend his family ceremonies like weddings and funerals. It’s frowned upon to let you do before marriage even if you are officially engaged because it’s purely family stuff.”
Therefore, don’t take it too personally if your Japanese partner doesn’t let you into the closest family circle. It’s seen as a very serious step, while in such countries like Sweden, Germany or UK it doesn’t mean anything.
Dating a Japanese – Where do people meet?
People spend most of their time at work. Therefore, dating in Japanese culture becomes a real challenge – especially if you want to meet someone organically.
“Konkatsu” Parties
Konkatsu parties – are arranged dates (also known as ‘spouse-hunting’ parties). To make the long story short, people pay a fee to participate in a party organized exclusively for those who are looking for a spouse. Usually, you need to meet certain requirements to join (e.g., age under 35, being a college graduate and even having a certain level of income). These requirements may vary, but the goal is always the same: to help find someone who is also keen to create a family.
According to a survey done by Recruit Bridal Research Institute, 16.5% of those who got married in Japan in 2020 used a konkatsu service.
Japanese Dating Sites
Dating apps like Tinder or Bumble are also used in Japan. They are foreigner-friendly, and probably are the best choice for English speakers. However, if you speak some basic Japanese, you might want to try the local apps native Japanese people use. Their only drawback for foreigners is that they don’t have an English version.
Omiai – is a Japanese dating app with the largest audience. Was created for those who are looking only for marriage and serious relationships. You can use filters to find your best match (even based on income level!).
Tapple – what’s unique about this app is that you don’t fill out your own profile but put down the qualities of the partner you are looking for. It is free for women, while men need to pay a fee for using it. This Japanese dating app is more popular among young people in their early twenties.
Pairs – has over 15 million users in Japan. It has a quite strict account verification process and is focused on finding a soulmate. Also, it suits Westerners who are interested in interracial dating and looking for a serious relationship.
We hope this article shed some light on the basics of Japanese dating culture and answered your questions. We would be happy to see your thoughts in the comments below!
This is great info if you are on the dating scene in Japan !
Valerie
I’ve always found it both interesting and challenging to navigate dating cultures when overseas. This is a fabulous look at how different our dating cultures are and where expectations can lead to disappointment unless you adapt, or, accept that you can’t handle the local dating culture. Very well written, thanks for sharing.
Interesting read, especially knowing how different the dating culture is between Europe and Japan. Very insightful.
Dating apps are a hot mess in this country.
I’d like to add that many people will meet their future wife/husband at school or university. It’s quite common for people to get together while they’re young and stay together for life, even if they aren’t totally happy or satisfied with their relationship.
It’s probably important to highlight that roles in relationships here are still very traditional – the men work, and the women quit their job once (if) they have kids and then are expected to become housewives. It’s the wife’s job to cook, clean, get the kids ready for school etc. and they’re often also expected take care of the finances for the family. There are of course exceptions, but most relationships still follow this traditional route.
Interesting to learn about how different cultures do the dating scene. This is really helpful for people wanting to date for the first time in Japan!