Dating in Indian Culture: the Wrong Partner Could Get you Disowned!
Did you know that Indians often struggle to answer questions around dating? This is due to their different values and approach to love. So, let’s talk about finding a partner in India.
What do you need to know before dating in Indian culture?
Unlike in Western cultures, like dating in Spanish culture, the concept of “dating” is alien to most Indians.
Sadhana J. explains it:
“So as we don’t have it in our culture, even a boy and a girl talking to each other are viewed with suspicion. (In villages and small towns. Probably not in cities) So dating is out of the question.
Though India is changing fast, I don’t really think dating has become a part of our culture as birthday cake has.“
Kanan S. talks about dating goals in India:
“In western cultures, marriage is about starting your own family.
In the Indian Context, it is more about adding to your family.
Dating is more of a western thing. Western societies tend to be more individualistic than eastern ones in general.
I cannot speak for all eastern cultures but Indian Society seems to be more Collective rather than based on individualism.
E.g: When it comes to marriage, Indians think of more parameters. It’s not just about ‘do I like the guy? It’s more about ‘do I like the guy’s family’? Do I like their overall culture?
A guy could be 100% compatible with you but if his family is not then sooner or later trouble will creep in.”
Dating in Indian culture is not straightforward. However, it doesn’t mean that relationship with an Indian is impossible for a foreigner. The country becomes more open an influenced by Western culture, especially in the big cities. Couples are breaking the castes and religious barriers for the sake of love and happiness.
Dating an Indian man
Ismenia U. points out that filial piety is something to keep in mind while dating an Indian man:
“They act all modern and understanding when dating. But when the family is around, they transform. Parents are gods for Indian sons. Indian men expect you to treat their family like gold. Even the supreme court in India states that a man can divorce his wife if she tries to separate him from his parents…look it up.”
Sophie B. describes them in a really good light:
“You’d find them to have an edgy sense of humour, casual, open, enterprising and just very contemporary in general with etiquette. They are more sensual, romantic, spiritual, philosophical…So many women do not know what they are missing.”
Dating an Indian Woman
Chetan T. describes Indian girls:
“Indian girls are as varied as can be.
If you talk of a typical Indian girl, she will already be dreaming of getting married and having kids, but if you talk of the well-travelled Indian girl she will be a mix of Western and Indian values.
She will not be as casual as a Western girl but also not as conservative as a typical Indian girl.”
Who Initiates? Gender Roles
Don’t expect an Indian woman to approach you first and invite you on a date. We are not saying it will never happen, but the chances are really low compared to dating in Swedish culture.
In Indian culture, the man is expected to be the breadwinner and must be financially reliable. In other words, he should either have a well-paying job or a large inheritance. The woman, on the other hand, must have traditional feminine values: have good cooking skills, and be good at childcare. Education is also important, but she is not expected to dedicate a lot of time to her career.
Possible Obstacles…There Might Be a Lot
India is home for many different religions, ethnicities and values. Therefore, even Indians themselves often struggle to date the person they love within their own country. Casteism and arranged marriages still have their impact even though the legislative system of the state doesn’t put any restriction on marriages. These customs are so deeply rooted in society that can’t be eliminated easily by a new law.
Sam S. shares his views on dating in Indian culture:
“As an Indian American after dating in both India and US, I realized dating in India is very complex. You need to take into account their religion and family values before getting involved, getting consent from both families is hard. Vast cultural differences between different sections of the same country. Cultural differences between countries are way different. Indian dating is from the perspective of getting married and marriage in India is not between two people but between two families.”
Raashi S. is a Muslim who married a Hindu woman in India shared his experience:
“I’m happily married to a woman I love and we have a wonderful daughter. Was it hard to go against the parent’s will? Well, I did. She did. It’s not common here in India, you really need to have the guts to do so…My family was not happy, but we didn’t lose connection. My wife’s family disowned her and they haven’t seen each other for a very long time. It took almost 5 years once they meet us again just in order to see their granddaughter.”
Arranged Marriages
The idea of having a marriage set up by a third party (by family or even friends and neighbours) has been the norm in India for centuries. According to a survey, 93% of marriages in India were arranged in 2018.
Social status, caste, religion, and even horoscope may play its role in the romantic life of Indians. Even nowadays, horoscope that predicts a couple’s compatibility may ruin a potential match! In north India, it is called Kundali; in South, it is known as Nakshatram.
Meeting Indian Parents: Breaking the Ice
Greet parents in accordance with local traditions
The first impression is crucial.
Karl R. who is from New Zeland tells his story of meeting his Indian in-laws for the first time:
“Just before I had to go to her parents’ house I talked with my Bengali friend who advised that I need to greet them in a traditional way. He explained that I should bow to the ground and touch her mother’s and father’s feet. Even though, my girlfriend said that it is not really widespread nowadays I’ve done it. You should have seen the father’s smiling face! They were so happy to see a foreigner who respects their ancient traditions.“
Touching the feet of elders is considered a way of giving respect to them. They believe that in return, you will get a blessing from God.
Wearing traditional clothes is also welcomed
Some of our contributors advised wearing a dhoti and kurta for a man if he is entering her parents’ house for the first time.
As for women, there is a wide range of options for what to wear: anarkali, patiala, chudidhar or saree. The choice is really rich, but you should not pick dark colours.
If your potential in-laws live in rural areas outside urbanized centres, it is better to avoid casual style ( jeans, shorts, T-shirts, etc.).
As a continuation of what we’ve been talking about in the previous paragraph, parents will see it as an expression of respect. They will definitely expect you to assimilate into Indian culture and stick to their traditions. A great emphasis on respecting and saving traditions is also common if you are dating in Chinese culture.
Be ready to talk about your earnings and plans for the future
“So, what is your hourly rate at your job?” This kind of question is absolutely common to hear from an Indian father asking his daughter’s boyfriend. Financial stability is of great importance, and highly likely they would like to find out if you are able to provide for a family. Talking about money is also absolutely acceptable in some other Asian countries, for example when it comes to dating in Korean culture.
The biggest fear of Indian parents is to see their children heartbroken. They are usually afraid that the relationship with a foreigner will not be long-lasting and it may ruin their child’s life. In India marriage is expected to last the rest of your life. Therefore, parents want to make sure that you are trustworthy and reliable. Confidence in your good intentions and genuine feelings often is more important than religious differences.
Rashid R. tells that not all Indians put such a great emphasis on religion when it comes to marriage:
“God lives in everyone’s heart, not in the temple or church. I will definitely let my child marry whoever she will chose. Only love and respect matter…I’m happy to admit that more and more people here [in India] share the same idea“.
Once you overcome all possible struggles with getting the family’s approval, another thing to be aware of is a dowry. This tradition is still alive, even though it’s illegal according to modern laws. However, parents may still propose dowry for their daughter, but now they call it “a gift”. For most Westerners, this tradition may be embarrassing or even humiliating.
Richard S. explains how to treat it correctly:
“One honourable way to treat a dowry would be to accept it as an endowment for your wife and to show her parents that it was on deposit and available only to her, in case she ever found that she could not rely on you anymore. So it would be a way for her parents to ensure that she would always be cared for. That would also help to build trust within the family. What do you think of that?“
Indian dating sites
Bharat Matrimony – was created for Indians who are looking for marriage and value traditions. During the sign-up process, the user should provide information about age, caste, religion, education and even income level. Interestingly, during the sign-up process, you need to choose for whom you are creating a profile (for a daughter, son, sister, brother or even a friend). Doesn’t suit foreigners, and those who a looking for casual dating.
Shaadi – it is an Indian matrimony site with 20 million users. It focused solely on finding a match for marriage, so it differs from traditional dating apps. A premium membership implies a private advisor to help with arranging a marriage.
Indian Cupid – is created for those who are looking for long-term and serious relationships . Originally it was developed for helping Indian men and women all over the world to connect with each other, but it’s also open to people of different origins. The top countries that use this site are India, USA, Germany and Malaysia. The main drawback is a huge gender disproportion: 35% females vs 65% males.
Indian Dating Hub is one of the top dating sites in India that is also popular among foreigners. It suggests such features as a regional search (to find matches nearby) and a profile video to introduce yourself. Also, the paid version allows your profile to be seen by more users (it will be ranked higher while searching among people with the same interests, age, etc.).
Mingle2 is a free dating site with nearly 40 million around the globe and is also popular in India. The registration process is fast, has an efficient search tool with plenty of filters and is suitable for English speakers.
We hope you found our article about dating in Indian culture useful. Please let us know your thought on the comments below!
I am of Indian heritage so can relate to some of the points that have been featured however I am in a mixed race marriage and never found my husband had any of these issues but was it was interesting to read the testimonials and experiences of others.