When it comes to interracial dating and cultural differences in relationships, at How to Date a Foreigner we found that the most striking differences are between the US and Asia. Culture, values and even the dating culture differs too.
Not being aware of these cultural differences can make your relationship frustrating and lead to potential arguments and heart breaks.
Even Americans who live (and date) in Asia are often unaware. So let’s look at the main cultural differences in relationships.
The shock
At the time of this writing, I live in Da Nang, Vietnam – one of my favorite places in the world.
One of my ex-pat friends here is a Chinese Canadian guy (raised in Canada) who is dating a Vietnamese girl. We met quite early in the beginning when I started planning How to Date a Foreigner and I was super excited to hear about his experiences of dating in Asia. We started having the following conversation:
Me: Isn’t there too much pressure on you? Dating a Vietnamese girl?
Him: Why would there be? Isn’t it rather on her?
Me: No. In Vietnam, people date to marry. Now that you are a couple, it’s like you are slowly preparing to get married.
He gave me a blank stare and his Asian eyes became so big, any Western person would have been jealous! 😀 Clearly he had to digest what he has just heard.
So I went on to explaining him the dating culture in Vietnam…
Cultural Differences in Relationships
In contrary to how you date in the US and Canada – where you date to date (and eventually find the person you want to marry) in Vietnam and a lot of Asian countries, people date to marry. You might think, ok but what’s the difference? Westerners want to get married too.
The difference mainly comes down to time frame and ‘dating style’ or the stages of dating. So let’s look at both:
Dating culture in the US / Canada:
In Western countries it is rather normal to have a girlfriend or boyfriend at an early age. According to statistics, when it comes to dating, people in the US start the earliest compared to the world’s average. Then, there are around 5 ‘stages’ to dating:
Hanging out:
Going on a few dates at the very beginning (with or without physical contact).
Public Display of Affection (PDA) – eg. kissing on the street is not normal neither in the US, nor in Asia, so this is not something you need to worry about – unlike in Europe.
Dating:
Dating (usually with physical contact eg. kissing), but not necessarily exclusively. This means in the US / Canada, people might date others while they are also dating you.
The ‘talk’:
This is the stage when the couple decides to be exclusive and only date each other. From this point onward, they are in a relationship.
Relationship:
The couple dates exclusively and takes their time to figure out if they are great for each other in the long term (if they get married in the future). A couple could be in a relationship for years (sometimes even 10+ years) before deciding to get married.
Proposal:
This is the date they decide to get married and start planning their wedding (which could be as soon or as late as they want – usually around a year later).
Dating culture in Vietnam / Asia:
In most Asian countries (even though this is slowly changing), most people are discouraged from dating at a young age. They are encouraged to focus on their education and start dating once they have finished their studies.
This is especially known in South Korea, where lot of students receive plastic surgeries (mostly nose or double-eyelid operation) as a present for their high school graduation. When they are allowed to start dating.
Dating:
This is more like a mix between the US / Canadian hanging out & dating and will make you realize how big cultural differences in relationships can be. They will meet to learn more about each other but there is no physical contact (eg. kissing).
This dating phase could even last for a few months, which could be very frustrating for people from the US / Canada who might be used to kissing on the 1st date or occasionally even more.
On the other hand, to Vietnamese, Americans or Canadians could come across as rather pushy during this phase – as Asians are not used to any type of physical contact.
Going public:
Going public is the main reason why there is such a HUGH pressure on Vietnamese and mostly Asians when it comes to relationships.
As an American or Canadian, if you thought the exclusivity ‘talk’ was a pressure, now wait for this!
Going public is when two people who have been dating (without physical contact) decide to be in a relationship. However, this is not just the exclusivity ‘talk’ on its own. It’s also like a proposal. The two combined together!
From the date of going public (usually holding hands on the street), you are seeking the approval of your family and friends to be in a relationship with that person and eventually marry. So from this day onward, you are preparing to get married!
This is why a lot of Vietnamese women will only go for a coffee with you, if you agree to marry them 😀
…don’t get discouraged just as yet, there is more to come!!! 😀
Proposal:
Oh no, there is NO proposal in Vietnam! Going public was kind of it. Though your Asian girlfriend will surely appreciate a diamond ring, if you propose. 😉
In fact, it is so not in the culture to propose, that for a long time Vietnamese didn’t understand why the guy kneels down in the movies with a ring.
They didn’t understand why someone would get a ring before their wedding (and get another ring on the day of the wedding).
People in Vietnam learnt what proposal is from Hollywood movies and it is still not a tradition.
The closest to a proposal is ‘Lễ Đám Hỏi’ – an engagement ceremony, where the closest family members (usually the parents) ‘present’ the new couple to the ancestors. This is usually a week(s) before the actual wedding. You can read about Crystal Le’s a Vietnamese-American’s engagement ceremony.
My local Vietnamese friend was actually so keen to have a Western style proposal, she asked me to TEACH her boyfriend how to propose!!!
Wedding:
Weddings are slightly different all around the world. However, one fact I find really interesting between Western and Asian countries, is the importance of food in Asia.
In Western countries, the emphasis is usually on the location. Either the scenery or the building of the wedding venue. In the UK, it is not uncommon for people to book castles to get married in. The guests will then say: ‘We are going to a wedding‘.
However, in Vietnam, the location is not so important. If on the other hand the food is bad, people will talk about it for a long time! So they choose the location based on the quality of the food. The guests will then say: ‘We are going to eat at a wedding‘.
Now it makes sense
Once I’ve finished explaining the cultural differences in relationships, my friend sighted: ‘Now it makes sense!’
He explained: ‘the beginning of our relationship was very frustrating. There were like two months without any physical contact. Then from one day to another, she wanted to introduce me to everyone. Her family and friends. It went from nothing to super fast. She started asking me already about marriage – only after 3 months.’
Dating – Considering cultural differences in relationships
If you are American / Canadian:
If you are considering dating someone in Asia / Vietnam, give them a lot more time. Take it slower.
There is a lot of social pressure on Asians that you (especially if you are an ex-pat) don’t have to deal with.
Breaking up in Asia has a lot more negative stigma than in the West. In Western countries we are used to that relationships don’t always work out and you need to keep searching until you find the one.
In Asia, breaking up with someone is still rare and if it happens EVERYONE will be talking about it. So most Asians are reluctant to start a relationship unless they are sure.
If you are Asian:
Remember that people in Western countries don’t usually date to marry.
If they ask you to be their girlfriend / boyfriend, it doesn’t mean they are ready to start preparing for the wedding. They just want to give it a try with you to see if you as a couple would work.
Westerners will decide if they want to live their life with you once you have been their girlfriend / boyfriend for a while and NOT before (as you are used to).
If they want more physical contact with you, that is too fast for you in the beginning, let them know.
Mutual agreement:
Cultural differences in relationships can be very complicated – and as most people are unaware, everyone seems to assume the other is like them. Don’t!
Make sure you educate the other person (or I’ll love you, if you just point them to this blog post!).
Discuss your differences and establish what you are both comfortable with – and keep to it!
If you are Asian and dating and American or Canadian, let them know if you are not comfortable with dating non-exclusively.
Them seeing other girls / guys while they are dating you can rightly break your heart and feel like cheating – when it was a purely just a difference in cultures.
If Americans are not ready to be exclusive, agree in a way that works for both of you. Maybe you date him / her without physical contacts (your Asian way of dating) while he can date non-exclusively and decide if he / she is ready to be exclusive with you.
When he / she is ready to be exclusive, you can ‘go public’ while you are not expecting them or putting pressure on them to get married.
For a lot of Westerners, marriage can be outright frightening and feel like you are putting pressure on them. If you do, even if they loved you from the bottom of their heart, they might run.
Remember, Westerners do their best to be patient with Asians in the beginning. Asians need to reciprocate this and be patient with Westerners afterward. It goes both ways!
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