Cultural differences can be amazing unless they break your heart! More and more of us immigrate to a new country or even become global citizens unaware of the differences in dating. So what are the main cross cultural differences in dating? Let us at How to Date a Foreigner take you on a discovery journey.
Assume and be surprised
It’s rather easy to assume that Europe and USA (especially UK and US) has the same dating culture. UK speaks English too and both Europe and US are ‘Western countries’. You might think: ‘How could I be wrong, men and women are the same everywhere?!’ Yes and no. Sometimes even our definition of the same word is different – because the experiences we connect with it are different. If you invite me over to celebrate Xmas with you – assuming I’m coming on the morning of the 25th, you might be surprised when I turn up on the evening of the 24th. In my country, everyone celebrates it on the 24th. Same if you discuss New Year’s Eve with someone from Asia – who follows the Chinese calendar and will celebrate Chinese New Year around February. Same happens when it comes to cross cultural differences in dating.
Cross Cultural Differences in Dating
As an Eastern European, I did have a massive culture shock (or call it dating shock) in the US. There were a lot of things that frustrated me in the beginning until I figured out / researched that this is actually the dating culture. I believe no culture is inferior to the other. It is just how we were raised and what our beliefs or values are. So anything I point out here that surprised or frustrated me is my own ‘culture shock’ rather than judging it as good or bad.
I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just dive in. I’ll explain the dating stages separately, so it’s easier to understand and compare.
Hanging out
not exactly dating, just meeting to see if there is potential for more. What I found surprising in the US, that I barely ever encounter in UK or let alone the rest of Europe is how normal it is to just ghost. In Europe, it is very disrespectful. Even if people didn’t have chemistry, most they would still send a text to say it is not for them, but in the US this is not the case.
Differences in dates: Mr. Charming casually asks you where you live (giving you false hopes he will find a place that suits you both). Then suddenly you are told he knows the best restaurant / pub in town. How could you say no to that? You go to the place. (Maybe) have dinner, then drinks and you ask where he lives. Somehow in the US, every guy seems to live right above the best restaurant – they just took you to! How convenient?!?! 😀 Then your allocated ‘2 hrs slot’ for the date is up! The choice is yours (respect for the exception): do you want to go to his or yours? As a European, this is probably not what you are used to. Neither was I.
In Europe, I find dates a bit more ‘romantic’ but if you happen to be American, European style might just be the culture shock for you. In Europe, dates – unless you are pushed for time or lazy – tend to be more around having fun and creating mutual lasting memories. This means instead of going to a pub, you will try to find a common interest to do. In high school, going to the zoo used to be very popular. Now maybe people would go for a hike or to the park. Maybe an event like an art walk. Just something different. People also try to come up with the best date ideas. Therefore, unlike in the US, in Europe every date can be different. Also there is no time limit like in the US. If you enjoy it, just go with the flow and have fun. Compared to the US, depending on which part of Europe you go to, it is a lot more conservative. How natural it seems to be in the US to try to invite someone over to your place after just the 1st date, in Europe, the more you go towards Eastern Europe the more conservative it gets. Hungary is just the edge of Eastern Europe, but I know many people who would not even kiss for several weeks. Let alone going over to someone’s place. UK is less conservative, but most people still wouldn’t invite someone over. Or if that’s their goal, then they don’t take you on a date.
The Cross Cultural Difference:
In the US – people want to look busy and unavailable. The person they just started hanging out with is kind of their lowest priority (pretended or not). Texting less and ignoring the other wins the ‘game’.
In Europe – contrary to the US, if you started seeing someone, they normally become your highest priority. You are not expected to text them constantly, but at least reply to their messages within a few hours or the latest by the end of the day. If you don’t, they will think you are a player and move on. Also in Europe, playing games is looked down on!
In the US – sharing your feelings is considered to make you vulnerable.
In Europe – being open is considered being honest and genuine.
The problem comes when a European starts dating an American.
The European will likely text to show their interest and making the American their highest priority. Possibly sharing their thoughts and feelings to build genuine connection. The American will think the European is needy and probably lose interest. However, not everyone is the same. Be aware of these cross cultural differences in dating, but care
Another interesting difference is the topic of the dates:
In the US, first date seem closer to a job interview. People explaining their education background, jobs, maybe competitions they won.
In Europe, the first date is more about discussing interests and hobbies – to try to find a common ground. You don’t really bring up jobs or education. You might touch on the topic for a second, but move on. Dates supposed to be fun and talking about jobs is not really considered fun.
So if you are American, dating in Europe, maybe skip that part or keep it very short. If you are European dating in the US.. well… enjoy the experience! 😉
Dating
In the US, during dating the couple is non-exclusive, meaning they might be dating others at the same time. Contrary to Europe, people tend to play games more. Not answering messages for days or weeks to seem ‘busy’ and not needy. Just when you thought you were ghosted and ready to move on, your phone beeps.
In Europe, it’s quite the opposite. If you like someone, you want to let them know you had a great time and make them the highest priority in your life. Meaning, if you had a date, you would usually message the same day, letting them know you had fun and would like to meet again. It is not uncommon for people to free up their calendar to meet several times a week. Also if the person texts you, you would typically reply in hours, but the latest by the end of the day – if you were crazy busy.
Lastly, another big cross cultural difference in dating between Europe vs US is that Public Display of Affection (PDA) is totally normal in Europe. In fact it is so normal, that most Europeans don’t even know what PDA means! Seeing people (any age) kissing on the street is normal. It doesn’t even disturb most people. If you are American, this is probably something you will have to get used to. If you are European, traveling to the US, then you will just have to learn to control yourself 😉
The exclusivity talk
In the US at one stage during dating, the couple will discuss to go exclusive and only date each other.
In Europe, dating is AUTOMATICALLY exclusive! There is no such thing as the exclusivity talk in the US. If you are dating in Europe and met a few times (3-5x), you will normally assume you are a couple! In the early stages, usually how you find out if you really are a couple, is when you meet his / her friends or family and how they introduce you. If they say you are his / her girlfriend then maybe you would bring it up afterward, just to confirm. Like: ‘So.. I’m your girlfriend / boyfriend now?’ You would typically not bring it up separately.
The cross cultural problem:
The problem and misunderstanding comes, when European thinks you are exclusive but the Americans doesn’t. In Europe, seeing others – even in the beginning of the relationship – is considered cheating! So if you are American and don’t want to lose the person over cross cultural differences in dating, then either discuss this very early on in the beginning or even better: just don’t do it.
Relationship
after the ‘talk’ in the US or just natural progression in Europe it should be the same in both countries.
Maybe because of the non-exclusive dating (or maybe because of the heavily individualistic culture) it seems to me that in the US, people are more reluctant to start a relationship. Europeans are much faster to start a relationship and if it doesn’t work out, then move on and start another exclusively.
Europeans are ‘open-minded’
The last thing I want to ad here is how surprised I was, that many Americans think Europeans are ‘open-minded’. I don’t know where this comes from. Maybe because of France;s reputation of being so romantic or because Public Display of Affection is totally normal in Europe? I don’t know. However, I do know Europeans won’t date someone non-exclusively and as a European, that makes Americans a lot more ‘open-minded’ in my eyes. Either way, cultures are different.
General rule of thumb
A general rule of thumb is that the more you go East the more conservative the dating culture gets. US is very casual. Europe is more conservative than the US, but more casual than Asia. The same tendency applies within Europe. Western Europe is more casual than Eastern Europe. Also the more you go East, the more the male – female roles in a relationship get defined. In the US, it is close to non-existent, whereas in Asia it is very much so.
Has this articled helped you clarify some misunderstandings you already had? Is there anything I should have included or you would like me to write about?
Let me know in the comments below!
The Next Step:
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