Summary: Language and cultural differences could make your partner not believe what you say. Even the most deeply meant ‘I love you to the moon and back’ could sound fake. At How to Date a Foreigner we will discuss the two main reasons behind it. Furthermore, we will give you suggestions on how to say it so she knows you mean it!
Cultural Differences
Certain cultures are much easier to warm up to strangers than others. Americans are known for their friendliness and their language is just as expressive. I love you, I miss you… are common everyday exchanges. These, often instantly friendly cultures are often referred to as the ‘peach’ types. Soft on the outside, hard on the inside.
Whereas other cultures, like many Eastern European countries, are much harder to get friendly with. It takes a very long time to get close to them, but once you are in, they are your friends forever. For this reason, they are typically referred to as the ‘coconut’ types. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside.
You might rightly ask: Ok, but what does this have to do with ‘I love you!’?
Contrary to peach types, coconut type cultures often don’t express ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’ often. It has to be earned. But when it is said, we really mean it. For this reason, coconut types often consider peach types fake when they say ‘I love you’. Let me give you a personal example:
In November, I messaged my American friend ‘Happy Thanksgiving!’. I haven’t talked to him for a few month by then.
He hasn’t replied, but I could see he is active. As US was badly impacted by Covid, I messaged him a few days later: ‘Are you ok?’
Then the reply comes: Miss you! ???
Then I’m just looking at the message thinking: You haven’t messaged me for ages, nor have you replied to my 1st text. You must be REALLY missing me.
People I truly miss, I reach out to them. I don’t wait for them to reach out to me.
I know saying ‘I miss you!’ is very common in the US. I had a very similar situation with my American female friend.
However, as my culture saves these for the very special moments, hearing it in a less special way make it sound fake.
How should you deliver it if you are from a peach culture?
To avoid risking sounding fake (when you really mean it), in the above situation, he should have:
-Either messaged it to me before I contacted him for the 1st time. Then I know it is not just a reply equivalent to ‘Hi’. Instead it means ‘I’m thinking about you’
-Not say at all, wait a few days and say it then.
-Or if you really want to say it, exchange a few lines of text first. Then say: I really miss you! Put more emphasis on it. Don’t just make it sound like by the way.
It does more damage than good.
Language Differences
Not every language expresses love the same way. This was exactly the problem of my very good Vietnamese friend, who is dating a British guy.
He told her I love you! and she said: I don’t believe you!
Then she continued: You love football, chicken and then me. How can you love me?
Her problem was that in the Vietnamese language there is a different word to express love for a person than there is for anything else (like football or chicken).
The equivalent in English could be if English used ‘like‘ for everything else and ‘love‘ only for humans. However, in English ‘love’ is used for everything.
It didn’t make her feel special. She felt like she was equivalent to a chicken.
In Chinese ‘I love you’ is ‘shallow and frivolous’
In some other countries, like China, expressing feelings is not encouraged. Chinese culture is all about harmony.
Here Chinese English teachers even try to avoid explaining the term ‘I love you’ as they are afraid of embarrassing themselves or their students.
In Chinese culture, where actions speak louder than words, verbalizing love can come across as “shallow and frivolous”. This is based on a research that was authored to help explain the term ‘I love you’ to Chinese students.
This article, also explains: some Austronesian languages associate “love” with “pity.” Pity the fool, for the fool is in love.
If your special someone speaks a different language, learn to say I love you in their language (and understand the cultural aspects of it) if you truly want to make it special for him / her.
How to say I love you in different languages:
Spanish: Te quiero (more casual / friendly) or Te amo (more binding / romantic)
Japanese: ai shiteru (used very rarely, only to people you are seriously committed to)
French: Je t’aime (I love you)
German: Ich liebe dich
Korean: 사랑해요 (saranghaeyo)
Chinese: wo ai ni (used only by the younger generation). Read this interesting research before you use it.
Italian: Ti amo (I love you)
Vietnamese: Anh yêu em (man to a woman); Em yêu anh (woman to a man). In detail see here
Thai: chan rak ter (I love you). Read here for details
We hope this article will help you avoid misunderstandings in the future. If you have any questions or comments, please let us know below.
Read next: The 5 Love Languages in Different Cultures