Summary: Intercultural relationships can be exciting and other times outright challenging. Have you dated the love of your life long enough to tie the knot – just to find out you have to pay a bride price? These surprises can come if you are not prepared and could put a strain on the relationship. Especially for those from Western countries, where these traditions don’t exist and talking about money is even taboo. Let us at How to Date a Foreigner explain how dowry and bride price works and how much you should budget for.
What is dowry?
A dowry is a transfer of parental property, gifts, or money at the marriage of a daughter (bride).
Dowry is the wealth transferred from the bride’s family to the groom or his family, ostensibly for the bride. (Wikipedia)
Dowry is an ancient custom, and its existence may well predate records of it. Dowries continue to be expected and demanded as a condition to accept a marriage proposal in some parts of the world, mainly in parts of Asia, Northern Africa and the Balkans.
What is bride price?
Contrary to the dowry, the bride price is a payment by the groom or his family to the bride’s parents. It is usually money, jewelry and gifts.
As it is so similar, some countries seem to use the term dowry for bride price (eg. Vietnam).
As this tradition is not present in Western countries, it can take you by surprise and make you feel like you are in the dark.
How much should you budget for?
The tradition greatly depends by the country and could be different from family to family also – so it is always best to discuss it with your partner.
However, to give you some guidelines:
Vietnam
In Vietnam (generally speaking), you should pay enough to cover the costs of the wedding party (which could be over 300 guests).
They will tell you how much they need. As the country has many superstitions, it will usually be an odd ‘beautiful’ number for luck. Usually, this can be given in money, gifts, and jewelry.
China
In China, is another country where bride price is common. As the country went through such a rapid economic growth the past decade, prices escalated quickly. It is now to the point where city officials are looking to step in to cap it.
In China the price is around 100,000 yuan ($15k) and this doesn’t include the car and the house they are also expected to offer.
“In the south of northern China, a young man looking to get married would need to spend around 700,000 yuan ($104,275),” – as mentioned on Reuters.
Part of the reason why these prices escalated so fast was China’s one child policy in the past. As having a son was a preference, there are now 15% more men in China than women. This creates an issue when it comes to finding a wife.
The other reason for the prices is cultural. Losing ‘face’ (respect) in China is a big thing and paying a low bride price can make men look poor and therefore lose face. Hence they are driving the price up not to lose face.
In some other countries, the bride price greatly depends on several factors, such as the bride’s education and even virginity.
Some countries made the system illegal during the years, while in others there is a law about the dowry and what happens with it, in case the couple gets divorced.
Bride price / dowry in modern families
It’s not uncommon for families to offer for the newly wedded couple to keep the dowry or the bride price and use it to start their new life.
This is rather common in families where the parents are immigrants in a country with a different culture (without the bride price or dowry system).
Other families might do an arrangement where there is no bride price / dowry exchanged, but instead the newly wedded couple doesn’t ask or keep wedding gifts.
If you are from a Western culture
We met and heard of many people from Western countries (especially men) who say that, if the girl is expecting them to give money to their family, then they would be really questionning the nature of the relationship.
Remember, cultures and traditions are very different. Maybe she is already one of the more modern thinking generation, but her parents might not be.
In individualistic Western countries, you marry the GIRL. However, in more collectivist countries (many Asian) you marry the girl and her WHOLE FAMILY.
Her family has to like you. If they don’t, you might actually lose her for good as in Asian countries, due to filial piety, the parents’ opinion counts.
Going against her traditions could ruin your relationship not just with her family but with her as well for the long term.
Do your part, if she is important for you. You never know, her parents might be very lenient with you as a foreigner – knowing you are from a different culture.
You can always explain them it doesn’t exist in your culture, but we would recommend you still do your share.
At the end of the day you have to listen to your intuition.
Even in Western countries, where there is no bride price, you could attract a partner who is marrying you for the wrong reasons.
Don’t judge her based on her culture. It is part of her, but it doesn’t mean she is marrying you for the wrong reasons.
At the end of the day, you probably fell in love with her partially because of that. Every culture will have things you like and others you might not agree with it.
And lastly, don’t forget, it is not always her. It could be pressure from her family and earning respect from the community.
We hope this article gives you answers to all your questions about bride price and dowry. If you have any more that we haven’t included in here, let us know in the comments below. We would also love to know: how much is the bride price / dowry in your country and where you are from. Please share!
Summary
What is dowry?
What is bride price?
How much should you budget for?
Bride price / dowry in modern families
If you are from a Western culture